Almost half-way

Day 15 of being at home. Only 19 more days to go until I leave for Camp. The last 15 days have been stressful, not gunna lie. I've endured a lot of crap, put up with some ridiculous stuff and things just keep getting worse despite the whole "Giving it to God" kind of thing. Maybe i'm doing it all wrong. Or maybe this is just one of these times where God is challenging me. I seem to feel as though it might be the latter. I can totally picture God asking me, "if I take it all away, will you still follow me?" Because it's God. And He does that kind of thing. So...if that IS the question, what would my answer be? After doing some thinking and really looking at what I would do, I decided that yeah, I will still follow Him. He can take away everything, but He will still be there. Proving that He is really all I need in the end. And it's going to be okay. So God, if that was the realization you wanted me to get from all this, then I got it. Now could you please work on my current school issues?

Anyway, going back to home and stressfulness and just life in general. Being home made me realize many many things. I think the past school year I had gained a lot of independence, grown spiritually, my self-esteem was much better and I was a much happier person. I learned that I cannot live at home anymore. I learned that if you put me back into a situation where I feel oppressed and not independent, but feeling stuck instead, that everything that i've learned and felt in the past year at school will leave you more quicker than it took to get it. I feel like the past paragraph was not worded well, but I hope you get the point. I'm back to the beginning, where I was just a year ago. I'm not happy, my self-esteem sucks, I feel trapped and my spiritual life is suffering. I spend countless hours on facebook and online chatting to friends and playing games to get away from it all and to help ease the pain. It's summer, and that's pathetic. I had such high hopes for summer, and...it's not happening. Many friends have told me to just leave. I'm 22 years old, I don't need to listen to anybody. Easier said than done. Like I said, I feel trapped. I don't see a way out, even if you do. There's a lot of risk involved, and let's face it. Me and risk, we don't get along.

School has me currently frustrated/angry/upset/miserable. I am trying to figure everything out, and if I even will be going to school in the fall. Tomorrow, I'm going with my friend Emily back to St. Cloud to work some things out and hopefully just make everything okay again. I'm just really sick of everything that's going on, and asking people to pray for me, and I had a friend tell me that she's sick of having to pray for me. She didn't really mean it in a harsh way, she just meant that she wishes she could personally do something for me. But yeah, i'm sick of it. Have I mentioned there are 19 days before camp? Yeah. I cannot wait. I know that I NEED camp, even more than camp needs me. It's really amazing, I think I learn more there than anywhere else. I grow more there, and can be myself, and be happy. I have some friends who like to poke fun of Camp and how I seem to worship it. But if they only understood what it does and means to me, then maybe they could understand why I'm so excited and why I talk about it a lot. That being said, i'm looking forward to the rest of this summer and getting back on track with God and all that I had last year at school. 19 more days of hell. The rest of the summer will be bliss.

Beautiful Ending

In all my past blogs I wind up posting a lot of song lyrics that I find particularly awesome or pertain to myself in some way. This morning "Beautiful Ending" by Barlowgirl has been playing on my itunes. It's currently on repeat. If you just read the words it sounds a lot like how my prayers are right now. The part that gets to me the most is in the first verse, "And it scares me to think that I would choose my life over you, oh, my selfish heart, it divides me from you and it tears us apart."

Currently i'm struggling a lot with not doing devo's or spending any sort of time with God. And it's effected me a lot. It effects how I am treating people, my attitude, my school work and pretty much just everything. And the scary thing is, is that for a while I just thought it was okay. I still went to CRU and Bible Study and Vespers. I'm still a Christian. I'm just not really doing much to grow deeper in my faith. I had reached a comfortable level and was not willing to step out of that level that I was at. And it killed. Because all the while God was tugging at my heart saying that the race isn't finished yet, and regardless of all the hurts and worries I still had to keep pressing forward. But I didn't. I just thought I could take a break for a while. But that's not God's plan for my life.

Verse two has a really touching line, "Oh why do I let myself let go of hands that painted the stars and holds tears that fall? And the pride of my heart makes me forget that it's not me but you that makes the heart beat, i'm lost without you and dying from me."

That line really got a hold of me because I have become prideful, and it's wrong. I did let go of God's hand. But what's beautiful about that is that even though I let go, I still haven't left God's hand. I can only go so far down before being tugged back. And I think that sometimes God allows you to fall into the pit so you realize just how much you really do need Him in your life, and it builds character and when you've struggled and you've felt the hurt that it brings about, you're able to cope with it and possibly help someone else. So no matter what God will use it. God's love is amazing and it's beautiful and at the end of it all, I just wanna be in His arms.

Beautiful Ending- Barlowgirl

Oh, tragedy
Has taken so many
Love lost cause they all
Forgot who You were
And it scares me to think
That I would choose
My life over You
Oh, my selfish heart
Divides me from You
It tears us apart

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Oh, why do I
Let myself let go
Of Hands that painted the stars
And hold tears that fall?
And the pride of my heart
Makes me forget
It's not me but You
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without You
And dying from me

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Will my life
Find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?
Will my life
Find me by Your side?
'Cause Your love is beautiful
So beautiful


P.S It is "Tell Her She's Beautiful Day," an event that I joined on facebook. Basically, today is a day where you just go tell women that they are beautiful because they never hear it enough and with the way the media is and everything else, women and girls honestly don't believe it. So to all the ladies who might be reading this, so far I just know of Alicia, you're beautiful! <3

Thoughts.

Oh man. I was SO CLOSE to posting on wednesday. If we're going to get technical, it's currently 12:01 thursday morning. But i'm going to pretend it's wednesday. :P

I really don't have a long post tonight. It was a pretty decent day. School was school and I had bible study today and that was really good. We basically just got all caught up with each other and talked about our Christmas breaks.

I also made a debut into a youtube video randomly.

I have learned today how easy it is to have idols. After a lot of thinking in Garvey, and I do mean a lot, I sat in Garvey from 3:15-5, I have realized just how many things I put above my relationship with God.

You know, some days, I don't even try. I feel really guilty saying that but it's completely true. Some days I completely shove God out of the picture and focus on my agenda and my plans. Dumb. That's SO DUMB!

I have realized this as I have spent every day wasting time. I haven't really done my homework. Or cleaned. Or prayed. Or read my bible. All of which are very important. Especially the last two. I've been on facebook a lot. I've spent a lot of times with friends which was really fun and I made a lot of memories, but really, sometimes I elevate friends above God. If I were to have a list of things/people that are most important on my list, right now I don't think God would be in the number one spot. And right now that breaks my heart and i'm sure it breaks God's heart too. He want's so much to be on that number one spot in my life and everyone's life.

Last semester, I felt like I wasn't really getting out there all that much, and I just wanted to take full advantage of opportunities that come my way to hang out with different people and to make sure i'm not just stuck in my all day every day. But I think I now know how dangerous this actually is to me. It's time to get back to the basics and work on my relationship with God and make sure he is number one in my life.

So, if you don't hear from me...i'm hoping that it is because i'm busy reading my Bible...

Living life a little more recklessly.

So. After just downing a bowl of easy-mac, I thought to myself... "hmmm, i'm going to post a blog post every day..." So before that moods leaves me, I thought I should probably act on it.

I woke up this morning at the ripe ol' hour of 8:30. It was not very pleasant because I had become accustomed to sleeping in to almost noon all weekend long. I'm still not fully awake but hopefully my can of pepsi will fix that soon.

I had my educational psychology class this morning. It was a bore. It was pretty much the same lecture I have had in other Psych classes i've taken. We watched a lame movie. I had my eyes closed most of the time. It was nice. But anyway, this post so far bores me as i'm sure it bores you.

I have recently stumbled upon this website: http://www.kerismith.com/blog/ Keri Smith is the author of Wreck This Journal, a journal in which you of course um...wreck it. The warning in the book says:

Warning: During the process of this book you will get dirty. You may find yourself covered in paint, or any other number of foreign substances. You will get wet. You may be asked to do things you question. You may grieve for the perfect state that you found the book in. you may begin to see creative destruction everywhere. you may begin to live more recklessly.

Wreck this Journal is an amazing book. It was recommended to me by my roommate and best friend, Betsy. She of course had one, and was wrecking it all summer long while I was at camp. She told me stories of how it was dragged behind her car, thrown into corn fields, dropped from high ladders, thrown against walls and people, used for hot potato, and all sorts of things. And I, I really love books. It makes me sad to see covers being torn away from books. I love it when they are nice and clean. Defacing the cover of my journal was a very hard thing for me to do. But it is kind of worth it. I have begun to live a little more recklessly. Thank you, Keri Smith.

And as for everyone else, I highly suggest you purchase your own copy of Wreck this Journal. It's currently $9.32 on amazon.