Beautiful Ending

In all my past blogs I wind up posting a lot of song lyrics that I find particularly awesome or pertain to myself in some way. This morning "Beautiful Ending" by Barlowgirl has been playing on my itunes. It's currently on repeat. If you just read the words it sounds a lot like how my prayers are right now. The part that gets to me the most is in the first verse, "And it scares me to think that I would choose my life over you, oh, my selfish heart, it divides me from you and it tears us apart."

Currently i'm struggling a lot with not doing devo's or spending any sort of time with God. And it's effected me a lot. It effects how I am treating people, my attitude, my school work and pretty much just everything. And the scary thing is, is that for a while I just thought it was okay. I still went to CRU and Bible Study and Vespers. I'm still a Christian. I'm just not really doing much to grow deeper in my faith. I had reached a comfortable level and was not willing to step out of that level that I was at. And it killed. Because all the while God was tugging at my heart saying that the race isn't finished yet, and regardless of all the hurts and worries I still had to keep pressing forward. But I didn't. I just thought I could take a break for a while. But that's not God's plan for my life.

Verse two has a really touching line, "Oh why do I let myself let go of hands that painted the stars and holds tears that fall? And the pride of my heart makes me forget that it's not me but you that makes the heart beat, i'm lost without you and dying from me."

That line really got a hold of me because I have become prideful, and it's wrong. I did let go of God's hand. But what's beautiful about that is that even though I let go, I still haven't left God's hand. I can only go so far down before being tugged back. And I think that sometimes God allows you to fall into the pit so you realize just how much you really do need Him in your life, and it builds character and when you've struggled and you've felt the hurt that it brings about, you're able to cope with it and possibly help someone else. So no matter what God will use it. God's love is amazing and it's beautiful and at the end of it all, I just wanna be in His arms.

Beautiful Ending- Barlowgirl

Oh, tragedy
Has taken so many
Love lost cause they all
Forgot who You were
And it scares me to think
That I would choose
My life over You
Oh, my selfish heart
Divides me from You
It tears us apart

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Oh, why do I
Let myself let go
Of Hands that painted the stars
And hold tears that fall?
And the pride of my heart
Makes me forget
It's not me but You
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without You
And dying from me

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Will my life
Find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?
Will my life
Find me by Your side?
'Cause Your love is beautiful
So beautiful


P.S It is "Tell Her She's Beautiful Day," an event that I joined on facebook. Basically, today is a day where you just go tell women that they are beautiful because they never hear it enough and with the way the media is and everything else, women and girls honestly don't believe it. So to all the ladies who might be reading this, so far I just know of Alicia, you're beautiful! <3

World's Apart

Today during my Bible Study time with Shoemaker girls we listened to a song by Jars of Clay. It kinda hit me in a couple of spots. We had the lyrics in front of us and listened to the song.

Here are the lyrics...

"Worlds Apart"

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart


I really like the lyrics to that song, I like how it talks about being prideful and how we are forgetting the cost of sin. Anyway, it's just a great song!

In other news, I had a wonderful day! I went to my classes and then hung out with Molly and then Molly and Emily before Bible Study and we might all be living together next year in Stateview. And just time spent with Molly was amazing. God is good. :)

Thoughts.

Oh man. I was SO CLOSE to posting on wednesday. If we're going to get technical, it's currently 12:01 thursday morning. But i'm going to pretend it's wednesday. :P

I really don't have a long post tonight. It was a pretty decent day. School was school and I had bible study today and that was really good. We basically just got all caught up with each other and talked about our Christmas breaks.

I also made a debut into a youtube video randomly.

I have learned today how easy it is to have idols. After a lot of thinking in Garvey, and I do mean a lot, I sat in Garvey from 3:15-5, I have realized just how many things I put above my relationship with God.

You know, some days, I don't even try. I feel really guilty saying that but it's completely true. Some days I completely shove God out of the picture and focus on my agenda and my plans. Dumb. That's SO DUMB!

I have realized this as I have spent every day wasting time. I haven't really done my homework. Or cleaned. Or prayed. Or read my bible. All of which are very important. Especially the last two. I've been on facebook a lot. I've spent a lot of times with friends which was really fun and I made a lot of memories, but really, sometimes I elevate friends above God. If I were to have a list of things/people that are most important on my list, right now I don't think God would be in the number one spot. And right now that breaks my heart and i'm sure it breaks God's heart too. He want's so much to be on that number one spot in my life and everyone's life.

Last semester, I felt like I wasn't really getting out there all that much, and I just wanted to take full advantage of opportunities that come my way to hang out with different people and to make sure i'm not just stuck in my all day every day. But I think I now know how dangerous this actually is to me. It's time to get back to the basics and work on my relationship with God and make sure he is number one in my life.

So, if you don't hear from me...i'm hoping that it is because i'm busy reading my Bible...