Almost half-way

Day 15 of being at home. Only 19 more days to go until I leave for Camp. The last 15 days have been stressful, not gunna lie. I've endured a lot of crap, put up with some ridiculous stuff and things just keep getting worse despite the whole "Giving it to God" kind of thing. Maybe i'm doing it all wrong. Or maybe this is just one of these times where God is challenging me. I seem to feel as though it might be the latter. I can totally picture God asking me, "if I take it all away, will you still follow me?" Because it's God. And He does that kind of thing. So...if that IS the question, what would my answer be? After doing some thinking and really looking at what I would do, I decided that yeah, I will still follow Him. He can take away everything, but He will still be there. Proving that He is really all I need in the end. And it's going to be okay. So God, if that was the realization you wanted me to get from all this, then I got it. Now could you please work on my current school issues?

Anyway, going back to home and stressfulness and just life in general. Being home made me realize many many things. I think the past school year I had gained a lot of independence, grown spiritually, my self-esteem was much better and I was a much happier person. I learned that I cannot live at home anymore. I learned that if you put me back into a situation where I feel oppressed and not independent, but feeling stuck instead, that everything that i've learned and felt in the past year at school will leave you more quicker than it took to get it. I feel like the past paragraph was not worded well, but I hope you get the point. I'm back to the beginning, where I was just a year ago. I'm not happy, my self-esteem sucks, I feel trapped and my spiritual life is suffering. I spend countless hours on facebook and online chatting to friends and playing games to get away from it all and to help ease the pain. It's summer, and that's pathetic. I had such high hopes for summer, and...it's not happening. Many friends have told me to just leave. I'm 22 years old, I don't need to listen to anybody. Easier said than done. Like I said, I feel trapped. I don't see a way out, even if you do. There's a lot of risk involved, and let's face it. Me and risk, we don't get along.

School has me currently frustrated/angry/upset/miserable. I am trying to figure everything out, and if I even will be going to school in the fall. Tomorrow, I'm going with my friend Emily back to St. Cloud to work some things out and hopefully just make everything okay again. I'm just really sick of everything that's going on, and asking people to pray for me, and I had a friend tell me that she's sick of having to pray for me. She didn't really mean it in a harsh way, she just meant that she wishes she could personally do something for me. But yeah, i'm sick of it. Have I mentioned there are 19 days before camp? Yeah. I cannot wait. I know that I NEED camp, even more than camp needs me. It's really amazing, I think I learn more there than anywhere else. I grow more there, and can be myself, and be happy. I have some friends who like to poke fun of Camp and how I seem to worship it. But if they only understood what it does and means to me, then maybe they could understand why I'm so excited and why I talk about it a lot. That being said, i'm looking forward to the rest of this summer and getting back on track with God and all that I had last year at school. 19 more days of hell. The rest of the summer will be bliss.